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I Will Burn in Hell

December 12th, 2007 · Posted by Hugo · 29 Comments

Apparently, I will suffer infinite pain for all eternity. (Never mind how time is measured outside the universe.) Maybe that is why some minor skin wounds don’t bother me any more. Why will I burn in hell for all eternity? I’m not completely sure yet, but I intend to find out. So far it seems it is because I believe Jesus had an X and a Y chromosome.

Thus far, I have only found one friend that was prepared to answer the “am I going to hell?” question directly, and I appreciate his honesty and forthrightness. (Then again, I haven’t asked that many people yet.) I hope to find some more friends with that perspective nearby, so that I can get to the bottom of the matter more quickly. Otherwise it will have to wait until I do my trip around South Africa. (That will be some time soonish, let me know if you’d like me to stop by. I’d love to hear your stories, concerns, perspectives, opinions, theology, metaphysics and questions.)

Anyway, I’m not particularly worried about hell any more. Why? Because I love Jesus and Jesus loves me, and for me, that is enough. I wonder if Jesus believed in his own virginal birth. If not, it would be pretty sweet to be able to hang out in hell and discuss the humour of the situation. :D (In between all the weeping and gnashing of teeth, of course.)

And yes guys and gals, please, this post is intended as humour.

Categories: Religion and Science
Tags: · ·

29 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 9:56 am

    According to my Firefox spell checker, “anymore” seems to be an Americanism? Hmm… here’s more interesting info:

    http://alt-usage-english.org/anymore.html

    And I get quite frustrated by the “dictionaries define words” modernistic crowds, typically the perspective of intolerant atheists and a particular Ayn Rand fan. ;)

  • 2 right said reverend // Dec 12, 2007 at 11:51 am

    There is just one problem with hell: according to popular believe hell is an eternal darkness. As well as fire and brimstone.

    But the two just don’t go together. I mean, fire is light. So how the hell can hell be dark?

    Anyway, if it is dark you should be quite safe. And comfy. Being a South African you should be quite used to darkness right now.

  • 3 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 12:04 pm

    Hehehe…

    More reasons for me to burn in hell, according to the one EveryNation sermon I attended in the Neelsie last year: I have kissed a girl. And I am unrepentant about it. So I will burn in hell for all eternity, and eternity is a very long time, and burning is painful, more painful than you can imagine, and eternity is longer than you can imagine (this was emphasized more than a dozen times in the sermon).

    Why should I not have kissed a girl? Because, apparently, in the eyes of God, we are all brothers and sisters, and you would not kiss your brother or your sister, right? Hmm… So that makes marriage quite magical, as it suddenly cures you of your sibling-hood.

    Now, maybe I will spend five eternities in hell, for I have not kissed one girl, I have actually kissed five. Yes, five, in my life. Fifth hell for me then, eh? (No, this is not from the sermon, this is me extrapolating for fun.) And at this point, I am unrepentant about all five. And it didn’t even stay at just kissing. What are all those cute English words that I don’t know the meaning of? Necking, petting, cuddling, hugging, fondling, snuggling, smooching, caressing… etc.

    Oh, and I have good reason to believe my first girlfriend might have some concerns about what people might think based on what I’m saying here. So I must point out: five. She was my first girlfriend. If you know who she was, thus, know that we were very conservative. So there. Go in peace, first girlfriend. ;) Um, need I go and defend further? I don’t think it necessary, based on who likely reads this… (i.e. I can go and explain that my second girlfriend and I were also conservative, but I’m not sure anyone here knows her?)

    Now fire without light. Hmm… if light is electromagnetic radiation of a visible wavelength, I’m sure we could have fire that is slightly different from normal fire (seeing as things are not completely literal, even for the literalists), with most of the pain dished out in the invisible spectrum. I.e. everything painful and anguish inducing, but with the visible spectrum filtered out.

    If plants can photosynthesise from the light that there was at the beginning, without there being a sun yet, as is the case according to some literalists, then I’m sure we could have fire without light.

  • 4 gerhard // Dec 12, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    i think what they mean by eternal darkness is that without his guiding light you are in the dark.. or being without him for eternaty means eternal darkness…

    btw, who’s hell are we talking about here btw? catholic, protistant, methodist?

    even the lightest christain hell is just plain evil.. just take limbo for instance , as far as i understand it its hell for eternaty minus 1 :P

    btw, ur earlier definition of hell for atheists being thinking 90% of the people are brainwashed ..
    i think that is a bit untrue, a atheists hell would be being brainwashed without knowing it :P

    personally , i feel 90% of the population is under-educated and suffer far too much from wishfull thinking and lack curiosity because of it.. the fact that they are easy brainwashed is just a side effect of that.. so i think i m saying its the system that is the problem, so that means its easy to fix :)

    if you read any marx then this sounds familiar to you :)

  • 5 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    Yea, gerhard. ;) Excuse my hyperbole. I could add more detail to the picture, but naah, it’s a waste.

    Emergent hell: being stuck in poverty, living in a high-crime neighbourhood fearing for your life, having your life ruled by drugs, not having any loving people or friends in your life, having no-one you can consider “family”, being isolated from the light of love thus, or isolated from the light of good friendships…

    How’s that for hell? Better? ;)

    Rage Against the Machine… ok, time to get this thesis-hurdle out of the way, I’ll be back soon.

  • 6 Clare // Dec 12, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I’m confused. Surely if Jesus came to Earth as a man he would have the X and Y chromosomes because as a human male he would have those. Also, if humans are made in God’s image, chromosomes must have been part of the plan anyway. Even with a literal interpretation, you’d expect that surely? Or am I just misunderstanding the whole issue here?

    The main thing I don’t understand about science-hating religious extremists is how they can hate what by their own beliefs was put here and designed by their God. Seems a little ungrateful to me. :P

  • 7 Negate // Dec 12, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    I agree with Gerhard there is definitely a lack in curiosity among the under educated.

    I’m going to paint a hypothetical situation of the question am i going to hell.

    Lets say you go out and deliberately kill someone out of selfishness, you are going to hell why? because you are going to lose something of yourself, your humanity. Your deeds will be like a cancer eating away at your heart. That hell. When you have lost yourself in the bigger sense of things.

    Hell is what you will create for yourself. Even in hell a person can be saved with the right direction or inspiration

  • 8 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    Clare, I am being a bit obtuse, yes.

    To state it straight, I don’t personally believe in a literal virginal birth. Now in genetics, a male has an X and a Y chromosome, while a female has two X chromosomes. As such, if a naturalistic occurrence lead to the birth of Jesus, he would need a biological father in order to have a Y chromosome.

    The supernaturalist virginal-birth believer’s solution to this problem is that God created a Y chromosome in the Virgin Mary, at the time of conception.

    My question is mainly: why would God expect me to believe this? I cannot understand why someone would be sent to hell just because he or she is unable to accept this. “My God” is compassionate, and does not expect this from me. The question then becomes: do those Christians worship the same God that I do? ;)

  • 9 Negate // Dec 12, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Yes they do worship the same god, there interpretation of him is just more literally relevant to scripture than to truth

  • 10 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 3:38 pm

    (And I’m not implying that Clare did not know some of this, I’m just using her question as an opportunity to answer the questions a fundamentalist that comes across this post is bound to have.)

  • 11 gerhard // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:04 pm

    dude, u got it all wrong , the only thing that is required for mary to be a virgin is that her hymen needs to be intact … so think about it … all god needs for inpregnation is a small and thin penis with super sperm , now if god cant manage that … then … shoe .. he must be ‘powerful’
    btw, you may ask yourself why the hymen needs to be intact , well thats to keep the super sperm in and not outside taking over the world …

    btw, on a more serious note, you seem to have 2 contradictory views on the nature of god, on one hand u define him as a ‘force’ (modernist view of god) and concious (classical view of god)
    so which is it?

    oh and for general discussion , things like drug use and being responsible for life (and the lack there of ) are responsibilitys of being alive :)
    i very much doubt that my ancestors were in ‘hell’ because they killed someone … i think the level of guilt just isnt experianced as it is today… (things like gulf war syndrome or post stress syndrome simply dont happen in a desensitised society, hence romans being able to preform infanticide or modern arabs being able to remove peoples limbs/ears etc with a clean concious )
    as such they dont have a humanity to loose …

    its like circumcision, its male genital mutilation that actually degrades the penis considerably while torturing a child .. yet most western societies (perticularly penis obsessed english cultures) have no moral objection to it … take a knife to a skin of the clit tho… and its another thing entirely :)
    the problem with morality is , who’s morals are u gonna listen to? in the end morality and what consitutes loss of humanity is entirely meaningless because of how extream the variations are :) esp amongst gods ,men and religion

  • 12 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:29 pm

    you seem to have 2 contradictory views on the nature of god

    Hehehe, given enough time, I’m sure you’ll come to the conclusion that it seems I have more than just two contradictory views. ;) Lump them together under the “enigmatic” or “mysterious” label, if you want? Hehe…

    Tomorrow’s post might be late at this rate. (Maybe on Friday then?) I need to start tackling the Creationism Seminar ASAP, as I need to get to something specific that I want to refer to when I start reading a book I received as an early northern-winter-solstice present on Monday, and I don’t want to have to wait too long.

  • 13 gerhard // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    super sperm, super sperm, does whatever a supersperm does … watch out , here comes the supersperm

  • 14 Negate // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    > n a more serious note, you seem to have 2 contradictory views on the nature of god, on one hand u define him as a ‘force’ (modernist view of god) and conscious (classical view of god)
    so which is it?

    Modernist view : God could have communicated his creation to people 6000 years ago but because of their limited vocabulary they could not put god in the right words. Is it not our job to find all gods words(his creation) and put it in the words that god intended it to be said in.

    Classical View : People take the bible to literal

    It was suppose to be contradicting views, and it was meant a a theistic sense gerhard, meaning that is what the bible says yes, but what could it actually mean(relevant to our growing intellectual culture know)

    >he problem with morality is , who’s morals are u gonna listen to? in the end morality and what consitutes loss of humanity is entirely meaningless because of how extream the variations are :) esp amongst gods ,men and

    I would say multitude of materials can be used. A child would unconsciously regonice morals from parenting, law, friends and his culture.

    I positive atheist moral upbringing or theistic one. Either one is beneficial in its own way. A diverse culture needs diverse life philosophies in order to accommodate all! in there life journey.

  • 15 gerhard // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    yeah, diverse being the key word here …
    diverse and freedom and want to explore this diversity :)
    seems to contradict the idea of a monotheistic culture ;)

  • 16 Negate // Dec 12, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    you missed the point. The point was you will always have your atheists like me and you. And theists who believe in god. Each life philosophy is needed in its own way for the diverse group of people who inhabit this earth.

    Every social science in this world can be improved on gerhard even a theistic one

  • 17 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 5:01 pm

    you missed the point.

    I’m not so sure, I think you two are understanding one another, even if it doesn’t seem so. ;)

  • 18 Negate // Dec 12, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    gerhard do you think a atheistic and a theistic culture can live in peace next to each other?

  • 19 Hugo // Dec 12, 2007 at 9:57 pm

    Only for those able to appreciate the humour in potentially offensive religious jokes:

    http://bash.org/?827929

    Don’t take jokes too seriously, please…! ;)

  • 20 gerhard // Dec 13, 2007 at 9:13 am

    negate: to be honest , i am still trying to figure that out ..

    all i know that things cant go on the way they are … they seem to be getting more and more psycotic each year ;p

  • 21 gerhard // Dec 13, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    negate : i recon , it depends on how fast the social science can be improved appon … right now tho, i think it is way too optimistic to think that christains (as a whole and on a policy level) can accept atheists.. just realize that we are considered the anti-them… irrespective of what we are or do.
    then again, does one really want to accept that the majority would prefer to live in the matrix?

  • 22 Hugo // Dec 13, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    We all live in a Matrix of some sort. (Thirteenth Floor. ;) ) So what is the problem with government and theism? Supernatural thinking, right?

    If a person’s religion is “peace, compassion and rational thinking”, people will be happy to merge that with government, I’m sure. (I know some think I’m abusing the “religion” term here. No need to attack just yet, there is hope: give me a few weeks, I’ll be reading a Paul Kurtz book soon. Hehe. At that point, feel free to launch any and all missiles!)

  • 23 gerhard // Dec 14, 2007 at 8:27 am

    religion in africa , yippy for skippy :P
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/observer/gallery/2007/dec/09/witches?picture=331488389

  • 24 first girlfriend ;) // Dec 14, 2007 at 10:57 am

    first girlfriend is happily married now, and thanks to that very conservative ;) relationship, stayed a virgin until that perfect wedding day. No regrets whatsoever! :P

  • 25 Hugo // Dec 14, 2007 at 11:45 am

    Cool! You’re welcome to contribute your views on the matter when I eventually get to discussing that aspect of conservative culture. I’m happy for you. (Really!)

    All the best,
    Me

  • 26 Hugo // Dec 14, 2007 at 11:46 am

    (Meaning, I’m inviting you to contribute, especially then. I’m not implying “such views are not to be discussed here”, which is another way that my comment could be misinterpreted. *sigh*, communication, so tricky.)

  • 27 first girlfriend ;) // Dec 14, 2007 at 8:11 pm

    blame our conservative culture on our Calvinistic background ;)

  • 28 Negate // Dec 15, 2007 at 1:47 am

    Gerhard : I don’t believe theism and atheism can live side by side in peace, unless theism gets a drastic makeover. Its about acceptance and understanding of culture that makes a religion. The unchangeable nature of most religions makes it impossible for those religions to adapt to modern age. I believe Islam will be one of the last religions fighting non belief. the world needs another jesus or someone who can relate jesus’s lessons to a modern culture. The way religion is going to survive the onslaught of the scientific, naturalism and rationalism is going to make or break god.

    As an atheist by implementation a naturalists, life is so much more beautiful and unique without god and i believe allot of atheist will relate to the deeper meaning of my words.

    It will be a matter of who desires life more and in the end society will make the best decision in order to survive. Single core of evolution. Survival of specie!!!!

  • 29 Thomas // Mar 3, 2009 at 7:38 am

    right said reverend @ 2

    There is just one problem with hell: according to popular believe hell is an eternal darkness. As well as fire and brimstone.

    But the two just don’t go together. I mean, fire is light. So how the hell can hell be dark?

    Anyway, if it is dark you should be quite safe. And comfy. Being a South African you should be quite used to darkness right now.

    The Bible declares that the natural man (the one without the Spirit of God – the unrepentant) does not understand these things because they are spiritually discerned.

    1Co 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

    You are blessed with the light of the sun during the day and the light of the moon and the stars during the night and yet you walk in darkness (spiritual darkness). Your eyes are blinded by darkness; your hearts are blinded by darkness and by virtue of this terrible darkness you cannot see the Light because you wander and stumble in the darkness. According to Scripture the sun will be obssolete in heaven because God Himself will be their Light. Guess what? There will be no true life-giving Light in hell because those who go to hell will be separated from God (the True Light) for all eternity.

    Paul wrote:

    But rise, and stand upon thy feet: for I have appeared unto thee for this purpose, to make thee a minister and a witness both of these things which thou hast seen, and of those things in the which I will appear unto thee; Delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles, unto whom now I send thee, To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me. (Acts 26:16-18)

    Once again, Hugo and those who are following Hugo, I urge you to repent before it is too late.

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