Pondering the South African Memesphere – Looking for the Good in Everything header image 2

I’m Scared

October 24th, 2007 · Posted by Who Knows? · 8 Comments

I probably tore my ankle again today. I’m on crutches just in case, and I’m icing it like hell. We will see how it turns out tomorrow. However, this doesn’t have that much to do with the ankle. The ankle is just one tiny little detail in an incredible synchronicity of events that is just too fucking weird… I think I may have found my calling in life.

Be warned: do not read on if (any kind of) swearing offends you. You will be offended. I am not even sharing my calling, so you won’t miss much. I’m just therapeutically expressing my fear…

Things in my life, all the little things throughout my 25 years, seem to have run together into what seems to be a little epiphany. I feel I may have found my calling. And it’s scaring the living shit out of me. This is one of those moments. A glimpse of a possible future that is just way beyond what my wildest dreams could ever have imagined. It is possible I’m just deluded…

God, forgive me, for I have sinned. I think I may have missed my calling.

Or maybe this was all just a big process of preparing me for an unthinkable future I would otherwise not have been ready for. A roller-coaster future. Please grant me clarity about the path ahead, please let me know if this path I have glimpsed is not meant for me. If it is meant for me, please grant me all the humility you have to spare, the vice that is lurking under the bed is scaring the shit out of me. I am but a little child, and I am afraid. Very afraid.

Please grant me the patience to finish my thesis in Engineering first, I need some security in this insecure time. Also try to help my friends understand. I know many will hate me, or they might think me mad. Grant me the courage to accept it. I also know I will need help, and lots of it. I cannot do this on my own. Grant me the support I will need, prepare the path for me.


To my atheistic friends: don’t think of me as a Christian, that would probably just be misleading. Just think of what you see above as a piece of poetic language.

Fucking hell. And this one’s for Steve: holy shit! I really am fucking scared. I hope to wake up tomorrow and see this was only a big, bad dream.

OK, you’ve held on this long, I’ll reward you with just a little hint: I think I should become a scientist…

As I was writing this, Auke sent me an sms (text), to point out the brightest and biggest full moon for 2007 can be seen in the East. Clearly the moon must be affecting me?

Categories: Personal
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8 responses so far ↓

  • 1 skroon // Oct 25, 2007 at 7:47 am

    Thanks for gratuitously offending me 😛

    Sorry to hear about your ankle. I hope it’s not as bad as you fear. (And that’s for your calling too…)

  • 2 It’s a Beautiful Day // Oct 25, 2007 at 10:44 am

    […] Blog | MiniBlog | Comments ← I’m Scared […]

  • 3 carien // Oct 25, 2007 at 11:02 am

    Oh no! Not another scientist! 🙂

  • 4 Negate // Oct 25, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    god + universe + you = SUPPORT

  • 5 Johan Swarts // Oct 25, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    doenit. ek sal ‘n document met ‘n kamera 😉

  • 6 Hugo // Oct 25, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    Oh, and my thumb is still sore from slamming it in my car door last Friday. Aren’t I quote the cripple, hobbling about the house on my crutches… and yet I feel free as a bird.

  • 7 Anneke // Oct 25, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    Yeeha! The wild rides are always most worth while! Once you’ve seen it, once you’ve tasted a little bit of it – there’s no going back! Go for it. And when you jump the net will appear… God, god, the universe, friends, fellow pilgrims on this exciting journey will provide and support you. “The world needs people who have come alive”

  • 8 Hugo // Nov 2, 2007 at 5:22 pm

    This past nine days was a curious experience. I’m still not sure where I’m headed next year, however, the realisation in this post that I really can go and become a “scientist”, should I want to, was surprisingly liberating. I seriously embraced that dream for a while, now, it has dropped back down to “a possibility”. But a possibility nevertheless. We’ll see.

    The advantage? My DSP/Electronic Engineering thesis is now finally something I want to do, rather than just something I must do or something I should do. That makes a huge difference, and if that is all I get out of this torn ankle, it was already worth it.

    Enough skepticism though, if I do continue in the software engineering or DSP directions, I will be an “amateur scientist”. I may still write a book (a post about my “book vision” is still in the queue), or the future of my blog will be my “book”. The biggest, most valuable thing I’ve learned lately? I don’t have a typical Engineer personality, and I do love working with people. That is another worthwhile result for tearing an ankle a third time.

    Next year, I’ll be looking into joining “search and rescue”, what better excuse to get some first-aid and paramedical training, get and stay fit, and get to know the mountains in the area really well? And what’s more, I get to help some people. (I get to help build the kingdom… y’know?) I’m also looking into possible contributions I could make amongst teenagers and first-years. All to be investigated when the time is right.

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